do we love people for their properties?

on the philosophy of love, and what it really means to love

i’ve been sitting with this question for a while now. do we actually love people for who they are, or do we just love the things about them that make us feel something? the way they laugh. the way they make us feel seen. the way they look when they’re passionate about something. we say we love them, but is it really them or is it just the things they bring out in us? are we in love with their essence, or just their effects?

philosophers have been circling this idea for decades. in one of my university essays, i explored this exact question: is love rooted in a person’s individual properties (e.g. their intelligence, kindness, beauty ) or in something else? i really loved writing this essay because it made me question every relationship i’ve ever had. every time i’ve said “i love you.” every time someone said it to me.

the first view, the one most people fall into without thinking, is what philosophers call the “property view.” thinkers such as robert nozick and harry frankfurt argued that love is about finding someone whose characteristics align with our ideals. someone whose properties we admire, desire, and are drawn to. and on paper, this kind of makes sense. we all have preferences. we all have types. you meet someone who’s funny, smart, has good taste in music, loves their family, and suddenly you’re hooked.

but here’s the problem. if we only love someone because of their properties, what happens when someone else comes along with those same traits, maybe even “better” ones? do we swap them out? replace them? trade up? it makes love feel… transactional. as if it’s based on a checklist. and that doesn’t sit right with me.

also, traits fade. personalities evolve. the guy who used to be confident might go through something that breaks him. the girl who used to laugh all the time might stop finding the world funny. if love is based on traits, then it’s vulnerable. conditional. and that’s not the kind of love i want to believe in.

but maybe it’s not quite so simple. maybe the properties we love aren’t just things we can list on a checklist. maybe what we’re really drawn to are the qualities that make someone who they are in a way that can’t be fully explained: the way they hold themselves through hardship, the way their silence fills a room, the way they carry memories and pain and hope all at once. these aren’t just traits. they’re the essence of a person’s being. and maybe it’s this deeper, unnameable “something” that we truly love when we say “i love you.”

but even that feels incomplete. because it still places love as something dependent on what the person is. on their existence as an object of affection, as a collection of properties.

so then comes the second view, which is the one i lean more towards: the “relationship view”. this was proposed by niko kolodny — he says that we don’t love people because of their traits, we love them because of the relationship we’ve built with them. we love them because of the “us” that exists between “me and you”. it’s not about what you are, but who you are to me.

and that, to me, feels more real.

it’s why we love our siblings even when they’re being annoying. it’s why we love our parents even when they don’t understand us. it’s why we still hold space in our hearts for people who’ve hurt us. because there’s a history. a connection. a meaning that lives in shared memories and moments that can’t be replaced by someone with the same characteristics.

and yet, even kolodny’s view has limits. because if love is purely about the relationship, then what about people who lose touch? or friends who drift apart? or someone who passes away? is the love gone too? i don’t think so. i think love is deeper. i think it lives in the unseen, the unspoken.

it’s about presence. about meaning. about soul.

---

so what does it mean to love?

i don’t think anyone has a solid definition of love. and i don’t think we ever will. the love you feel at five, when your parent holds your hand crossing the street, is not the love you’ll feel at twenty, when you’re stepping into the world of romance, trying to find your ideal partner. the love you feel at thirty, building a home with someone who chooses you every day, won’t be the same as the love you’ll feel at sixty, reflecting on everything that’s ever happened to you from a place of gratitude, wisdom and immense nostalgia.

love changes. and it should. it’s a process. it grows with us. and the people we meet along the way shape that definition over and over again.

i used to think love meant doing everything for someone else. bending backwards. over-explaining. becoming smaller. sacrificing parts of myself just to keep the other person comfortable. i thought that if i could just be enough, they’d stay. they’d choose me. but that’s not love. that’s fear dressed up as loyalty.

now, i think love is recognition. it’s that feeling of being known. in the way someone memorises your favourite drink, your favourite songs, the things you say, the way they remember the most intricate details about you.

that’s it. that’s love. it’s gentle, and it doesn’t need to prove itself all the time. it just is. and with the right people, it’s natural. you don’t have to beg for it. you don’t have to earn it. they just get you.

and sometimes, love can feel like two people becoming so intertwined that the lines between them blur. like you no longer see where one ends and the other begins. you merge into one, not losing yourself but expanding. it’s a connection so deep that your joys, your fears, your silences speak to one another without words. it’s less about individual properties and more about a shared presence, a space where both feel fully seen, accepted, and safe.

it’s not about loving the “good parts” someone shows you or the way they make you feel in everyday moments. it’s about loving the whole existence of them, even the parts that can’t be explained or pinned down. love becomes less about what someone has and more about who you become together.

but love isn’t just romantic. we keep narrowing it down to coupledom when love exists all around us. in our friendships. in our communities. in those who show up, again and again, when it matters most.

i’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, especially after something that you all may have heard about on substack recently. my friend

SabrGirl

posted a piece calling out someone who had been harassing her. and the way people showed up for her was love. it was protection. it was community in action. others came forward, shared their own stories, amplified her voice, and supported her without hesitation.

and a brother on here (

Walyullah

) described substack as a “virtual village,” and i haven’t stopped thinking about that phrase. because that’s exactly what this feels like. a village. a digital one, yes, but real nonetheless. people looking out for each other. standing up for one another. not because of what we get from it, but because that’s what love does. it shields. it sees. it believes.

---

what does islam say about love?

in islam, love is a profound, spiritual reality. it’s a bond that connects hearts beyond the physical and the temporary. the Quran and the sayings of the Prophet ﷺ remind us that true love is rooted in mahabba — a love that’s selfless, pure, and aligned with the divine.

love in islam begins with love for Allah, Who is the Ultimate Source of love and mercy. it’s said that the heart which truly loves Allah will begin to see love reflected everywhere else. because when your heart is filled with divine love, you don’t just see people for their outer properties or fleeting traits; you see the reflection of Allah’s mercy and beauty in them. you recognise the light of Allah shining through every soul, even when that light is hidden beneath flaws or pain.

the Prophet ﷺ said,

“none of you truly believes until he loves for his brother what he loves for himself.” (al-bukhari & muslim)

this is a powerful reminder that love is an active, selfless commitment to care for others as extensions of yourself. love becomes a duty and a mercy, not just a choice based on qualities or conditions.

this ties back to what i said about love being recognition. in islamic terms, love is about muḥabbah (love), mawaddah (affection), and raḥmah (mercy). it’s about seeing the divine spark in someone else, recognising them as a creation of Allah worthy of kindness and compassion, regardless of their properties or actions. love is not about possession or conditions; it’s about mercy and grace.

and the beauty of islamic love is that it transcends the human limits of understanding. we are reminded that Allah’s love for us is unconditional, boundless, and eternal. even when we falter, even when we doubt, even when we fail. this perfect love invites us to mirror that love in our relationships, to love deeply but also patiently, forgivingly, humbly.

so, do we love people for their properties?

in islamic spirituality, the answer is both yes and no. yes, we appreciate the qualities they embody, because all beauty is a sign of Allah’s mercy. but more importantly, no. we love beyond properties, beyond conditions, beyond what can be seen. we love because every soul is a trust from Allah, a reflection of the divine, and a part of a greater tapestry that connects us all.

this kind of love invites us to love for the sake of Allah. to love not for what someone can give us or how they make us feel, but for their inherent worth as a creation of Allah. it’s a love that is patient, that seeks the good even when it’s hard, and that remains even when everything else fades.

in that love, we find freedom. freedom from selfishness, from expectations, from the fragile chains of conditional affection. we find a love that’s expansive and enduring, one that transforms us and those we love into better versions of ourselves, closer to Allah and to each other.

and with that, islam reminds us that love is rooted in mercy, in kindness, in upholding one another’s dignity. it’s why we’re taught that giving a smile is charity. that checking in on someone is rewardable. that protecting someone’s honour is an act of faith.

it’s love. just not the kind we always expect.

and in a wordly sense, do we love people for their properties?

maybe sometimes. maybe it starts there. but it never ends there.

the people i’ve loved the most were the ones who made me feel safe. who laughed with me when i didn’t even think i was funny. who asked me about my day and meant it. who held space for me without needing to fix me.

and in return, i loved them. not for what they had, but for who they were, and who they let me be around them.

love is complicated. it’s layered. it’s imperfect. and it changes shape over time.

but if there’s one thing i know for sure, it’s this:

love is a choice. a commitment. a return.

and when we do it right; when we show up for each other, fight for each other, heal each other — it becomes the closest thing we have to divine.

because real love reflects the love of Allah. unconditional. patient. forgiving. expansive. it’s a mercy. and when we get even a glimpse of it in each other, we should hold it close.

really close.

love, imaan x

---

if you enjoyed this newsletter, please consider ‘buying me a coffee’ <3. your support means the world and helps me continue creating content. every little tip goes a long way in keeping this space thriving. after all, i wouldn’t be living my dream if it wasn’t for you - thank you for being here! 🥹🌷✨